Freedom to me is being in a state of existence in which I am not living in anxious worry of the future or regretful angst of past mistakes. Living here and now knowing all is well, and doing so all in a sober state of mind, not reeling from the euphoria of crystal meth nor the zombie-like haze given from a opiate stupor. Just being me and being real.
It's a tough balance, mind you. All the foolish decisions and the consequences that follow those past mistakes, selfishness, and insecurity, always haunt my mind to remind me how far and how many times I have fallen.
When getting sober I always seem to think: "I should have done this a long time ago," or in each of the the umpteenth relapses I seem to always think it's gonna happen—I am going to use again.
Time and distance from addiction does seem to heal some of the wounds of the past but that negative pessimistic old self is also always there, reminding me of failures and faults, broken dreams and a broken life. How I've hurt so many and how I've crippled myself with a terrible addiction.
Oh, well. Tomorrow is a new day, and in Canada I have the choice to change my life and walk forward. I can make a life for myself and still dare to dream.
Seize the day.
Aslan is on the move.
Darren Ganderton participates in Megaphone's writing workshop at Onsite.